


when you love somebody and bite your tongue(all you get is a mouthful of blood)

by loonyBibliophile



Series: maybe i won't die alone [3]
Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Autistic Cassandra Cillian, F/M, Gen, Mentions of Cindy and Cindy/Ezekiel but not actually, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 21:07:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11112906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonyBibliophile/pseuds/loonyBibliophile
Summary: Cassandra stood in the kitchen, waiting for milk to warm on the stove as she dug through the cabinets for a good movie snack and a bag of marshmallows. Ever since Ezekiel has gifted her the beanie and brought her croissants, they’d started a tradition of winding down from missions together with a documentary and snacks in Cassandra’s room.Part three in my 'maybe i won't die alone' series. please read previous pieces first!





	when you love somebody and bite your tongue(all you get is a mouthful of blood)

Cassandra stood in the kitchen, waiting for milk to warm on the stove as she dug through the cabinets for a good movie snack and a bag of marshmallows. Ever since Ezekiel has gifted her the beanie and brought her croissants, they’d started a tradition of winding down from missions together with a documentary and snacks in Cassandra’s room. It was nice, and one or both of them usually ended up nodding off halfway through. Just as she discovered a tin of toffee and vanilla scones in the cupboard, Eve walked through the archway leading to the kitchen. 

“Hello, Eve!” she said brightly, placing scones on a large blue plate. “Would you like some cocoa? I can add more milk to the stove.” 

“I’m good, but thanks. I came here to ask you something, actually.” the look on Eve’s face was dangerously close to a mischievous smirk, and Cassandra swallowed harshly, nodding as she stirred the milk and tested its temperature. 

“I’m sorry for insisting Ezekiel bring the gold out, but it really did seem like the best solution—” Cassandra started to explain, but Eve shook her head. 

“Not about that. Which, you’re right, it was the correct call. I did want to ask about Ezekiel, though.”

“Why’s that?” Cassandra asked, clearly feigning ignorance as she dumped cocoa powder into the pot of milk. 

“When did you two get so… cozy?” and it was definitely a smirk now. Cassandra fought the urge to sigh. 

“A few weeks ago, after the chimera mission, Ezekiel noticed I’d been having some trouble adjusting to my new powers and not having my hair. He’s just helping me acclimate.” Cassandra shrugged and stirred. 

“With movie nights and hot chocolate?” Eve raised an eyebrow.

“Establishing a routine to help recover from stressful or overwhelming experiences is an important coping tool for those on the autistic spectrum.” Cassandra slightly mumbled, sounding an awful lot like she was reciting something from a textbook or article verbatim.

“Uh huh… and the touching?” 

“Physical contact grounds me during an episode or when I become overwhelmed by my senses and powers. It is a reminder that other things exist.” 

“And you asked Ezekiel specifically why? After all, Stone had already reached out to try and help.” Eve prodded, trying to get Cassandra to talk. Cassandra simply sighed heavily and tore open the bag of marshmallows.

“Stone and I have issues. You know that. And Ezekiel trusts me, he always has, no matter what I did to you guys in the past. It’s easy to let him help me because he’s always believed in my capabilities as a Librarian and always trusted me to do the right thing.” Cassandra bit her lip. She’d said a bit too much. Eve was nothing if not observant. 

“You know, you're not dying anymore, Cassandra.” Eve said, her voice unusually gentle. 

“I know. But there are other factors.” Cassandra shrugged again, and took two mugs and the pot of hot cocoa to the stove, so she could safely pour it out into mugs. 

“Sometimes things are worth the risk.” Eve squeezed Cassandra’s shoulder briefly before vanishing back out to the main section of the library. 

Carefully, Cassandra lifted the two mugs up and walked slowly out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her room. Ezekiel was perched on the edge of her bed, her laptop on his knees, while he scrolled through Netflix looking for something for them to watch. She set the mugs down on the bedside table and smiled. 

“Could you go grab the scones and marshmallows from the kitchen while I change? I didn’t have enough hands for everything.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Ezekiel grinned easily, and moved the laptop to the bed before exiting the room and heading downstairs. Quickly, Cassandra swapped her skirt and tights for a pair of soft, fleece lined leggings, and her blouse and blazer for a perfectly worn long sleeved shirt. Still feeling the lingering chill of the cave, she slipped on a pair of fuzzy blue socks and replaced her beanie back to her head and crawled into her bed, nestling into her preferred space in the corner. 

Ezekiel returned momentarily, with the sugary treats in hand. He set the scones on the bed, and then dropped a healthy handful of marshmallows into each mug. 

“So what are we watching tonight?” Cassandra asks, settling into his side as he lays back and hands her one of the mugs and lays the scones between them. 

“How about a few episodes of that series about weird natural phenomenon they just added?” he pulled the laptop over between them too, then pushed it to the end of the bed, leaning forward to type. 

“Sounds perfect!” she smiled and took a sip from her mug as he pressed play and leaned back against the pillows. 

“Thanks, by the way. For earlier.” Ezekiel said suddenly, his voice quiet.

“Of course.” Cassandra reached over and squeezed his hand “I trust you. Implicitly. Plus, I gotta stick up for my fellow underdog, right?”

“Haha. Yeah, I guess that’s only fair.” Ezekiel smiled at her then, a soft smile, not a smirk or an arrogant grin. She had to admit, it was nice. This side of Ezekiel he showed so rarely in public but so readily around her.

Cassandra wasn’t a complete fool. She knew she had feelings for Ezekiel. And, theoretically, nothing was stopping her anymore. She was no longer a ticking time bomb. She no longer had an expiration date stamped on any relationship she pursued. Estrella had been lovely, and a wonderful kisser, but she couldn’t really see herself pursuing a serious relationship with someone outside the library with a job that’s so tied to one place. And Jenkins had been a passing fancy, and more about his immortality than an actual romantic attraction. She loved Jenkins, of course, but like a father, or grandfather. But Ezekiel was something else, she could tell. Which was the entire problem. Ezekiel mattered. He mattered a lot. And if she made her feelings known, it could ruin the most treasured friendship she’d had in years, or ever. Besides, their friendship was comfortable. Routine. Cassandra lived for routine. Sure, change meant things may get better, but they could also get worse. 

A ringing pulled her out of her trance, and she looked over at Ezekiel, who wrinkled his nose apologetically and paused the show, gently pulling himself out of the bed and slipping out into the hallway. She wasn’t trying to listen to him, but her senses often had a mind of their own. 

“‘Ullo?— Cindy? Yeah, of course I remember. What’s up?— Tonight? Uhhh, give me a mo’, will you?” he ducked his head into the room then, one hand over his phone. Cassandra could feel her heart sinking down into her stomach. “You remember Cindy? From the cult job?” she nodded in response. “She wants me to come over. Tonight. But we’re hanging out.” 

“It’s okay, Ezekiel.” Cassandra said softly. “You can go. I don’t mind.” she sent him a watery smile and nodded. He creased his eyebrows, and frowned a little, but nodded back. 

It was a lie, of course. She very much minded. But Cassandra had sworn, first after she nearly sold out her friends, and doubly so after she woke up from surgery, that she was done being selfish. Keeping Ezekiel here when he could be out on a date was selfish. If she asked, he would stay. So she didn’t ask. 

“Rain check, okay? We’ll have a movie night tomorrow. I’ll back door to the patisserie in Paris and make it up to you.” He smiled at her, his face looking a little tight, and stepped back out into the hall. 

“Cindy, still there?— Yeah, sure, I can come over. I’ve gotta be able to put your address into the back door though.” his voice faded as he walked towards the main room of the library. Cassandra sighed quietly, then pressed play on netflix, returning to the documentary show and her mug of cocoa. 

About an hour had passed, and she was midway through a segment about a freak dust storm ruining a wedding when there was a soft knock on her door frame. She turned to look, and was startled when she saw Ezekiel was standing there, a pink box in hand. 

“Ezekiel?” she furrowed her brow, tilting her head.

“That’s my name.” he said with a nod, flopping down onto the bed and flipping the box he held open, revealing a neat row of macarons and several small pastries. “Hungry?”

“What are you doing here?” Cassandra scooted over to make room for him to settle in, putting her mostly empty mug on the nightstand.

“I thought Cindy just wanted to hang out, and the girl could use some real friends, so I went over, but I guess she was asking me out? So I, very politely, declined, told her I would gladly hang out as friends later, but I had an appointment to keep. Then I stopped and got these to make up for ditching you. It was rude.” Ezekiel shrugged and popped an entire caramel macaron into his mouth at once. 

“You didn’t want to go on a date with her?” the question slipped out before Cassandra could think better of it, and she quickly picked up a miniature opera cake to busy her mouth before she could say something else she’d regret. 

“Nah. I mean, she’s a sweet girl I suppose, and that time she kissed me was nice enough, but first of all, I don’t think she’s really in a place to be dating. She did like, trick hundreds of people into forming a cult. She apologized and she was sorry, but she clearly needs some help. And she may be cute, but not quite my type.”

“You have a type?” Cassandra asked, raising an eyebrow. Ezekiel smirked at her.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” he grinned, eyes twinkling, then squinted at her. “You look like you have a headache. C’mere.” he crooked his figure, beckoning her closer. 

“Come where?” she asked, scooting over slightly. Ezekiel pulled the blanket over his legs, and plopped a loose blanket into his lap, then patted it. 

“Lay your head here, let me help you.” his voice is that almost unnerving soft tone he only ever uses with her, and any jealousy or hesitancy or worry Cassandra is feeling fades away in an instant. She leans over, twining her hands into the blanket to cuddle it as she lays her head in Ezekiel’s lap. He tugged her beanie off, and began running his fingers slowly but purposefully over her scalp and through her hair. She could feel the tense ache in her temples and shoulders melting, and she shut her eyes, letting herself just enjoy the sensation and the warmth and closeness. 

“That feels nice.” she mumbled finally, her voice sleepy as she half focused on the show and half snoozed. 

“I’m glad.” Ezekiel sounded pretty tired himself, his voice rough and groggy. Unthinkingly, Cassandra tugged his hand from her hair, wrapping it in her own and leaning into the crook of his arm. Above her, Ezekiel smiled, leaning further back into the pillows, the documentary still droning in the background. 

Later, the lingering light source drew Eve’s attention as she made her final rounds before bed. Peering into the room, she smiled. Ezekiel was sunk into Cassandra’s pillows, with Cassandra sprawled across the bed, her head in Ezekiel’s lap and their arms tangled together. As quietly as she could, Eve flicked off the lights, wrapped a blanket around both of them, and shut the door.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really enjoying this verse, so expect at least two more pieces in this series! tell me what you think, lovelies.


End file.
